The Way He Looks at Her
by Stormageddon1211
Summary: When Spencer Reid woke up that morning, he didn't know that was the day that he'd meet the woman he'd fall in love with. The socially awkward genius doesn't know it, but JJ notices the way he looks at her when he thinks she's not watching, and little do they both know that they feel the same way for each other... (Rated mature for explicit sex and language)
1. Chapter 1

When lanky genius Spencer Reid woke up that morning, he didn't know that was the day he'd meet the woman whom he'd fall in love with.

Hotch had called the team into the bullpen leading a blonde woman behind him. Spencer, reading some case files at his desk and on his fifth cup of coffee of the day, looked up for a second and back down again at his files. Then he did a double take, his breath stopping in his chest. Standing there was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Her golden hair made her look like an angel and she seemed to radiate.

"Guys, this is our new media consultant at the BAU, SSA Jennifer Jareau," Hotch said, moving out of the way to present her to the team.

She blushed and gave a shy smile. "You can call me JJ."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Derek Morgan." Morgan reached out to shake her hand and she took it.

"Elle Greenaway. Nice to have you here. It's nice to have another woman on the team!" she laughed, shaking JJ's hand as well.

Gideon stayed at his desk, not really paying attention to the new team member.

"That's SSA Jason Gideon. Gideon, this is Agent Jareau," Hotch said, pointing at the older man, who was being quite rude.

"And you are?" JJ turned to Spencer, looking at him with her bright blue, Windex-colored eyes.

He swallowed, and realized she had spoken to him but found himself unable to respond to her. Finally, he blushed and squeaked out, "Spencer-" He cleared his throat, embarrassed. "Spencer Reid. Welcome." he stuck out his long bony hand awkwardly and she took it in her soft feminine one, looking into his soft brown eyes with a twinkle of laughter in her own.

"Alright everyone! We've got a case. JJ you can lead the way into the conference room for the briefing," Hotch said, assembling his team, who all headed into the conference room. Derek was still sniggering at Reid about his awkward encounter, making the genius blush yet again.

Throughout the briefing Reid couldn't take his eyes off the blonde. Her curves were well defined in the jacket and dress pants she wore, the blue blouse she had on matching her eyes perfectly. Her blonde hair moved in unison like a silk sheet whenever she moved and her plump pink lips, moving as she spoke, and looked beautiful, even when she talked about something as depressing as a sexual sadist terrorizing California, and he was mesmerised by them. He thought about what it might be like to kiss them. Baking her up against a wall and pressing his lips to hers, gently at first and then more passionate, their tongues dueling for control of their mouths, her perfect hands entwined in his chestnut locks and his own hands engulfed in her golden sheet of hair…

On the plane she approached him and he was yanked out of his daydreams, suddenly aware that she had spoken to him. "Sorry, what did you say?"

She blushed. "I asked if you wouldn't mind if I sat next to you." Quickly she added, "Obviously if you don't want me to then I can sit somewhere else…"

She started to move away but he stopped her. "No, no, please sit. I'm sorry, I zoned out for a minute."

She smiled and sat down next to him. She set the case file on her lap and adjusted her blouse. Reid tried not to glance over and down but his male instincts overtook him and he snuck a quick peek at her creamy cleavage, then cleared his throat and looked out the window of the jet.

"So Spencer, where are you from?" she asked, trying to make conversation with the awkward young man sitting next to her.

"I- What? Oh, um, Las Vegas. And you're from Pennsylvania, right?"

She looked confused. "Yeah… Pittsburgh. How did you know?"

"I can tell by your voice. The timbre is specific to the North East and- sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. That makes me seem creepy and that's not how I wanted to come off Agent Jareau." He said, glancing down at the floor and blushing profusely.

"Well I see you're good at your job!" she laughed. "Really it's ok, I was just surprised. Im not really used to this whole profiling thing yet." He gave a nervous chuckle and she touched his arm. "Seriously though Spence, I don't think you're creepy. And call me JJ. All my friends do."

He looked at her as she removed her arm, noticing for the first time her wonderfully intoxicating gardenia perfume and her sweet smelling shampoo. "Friends huh? I like that."

He grinned, disbelieving. This beautiful woman, who he'd expected would never even notice him, like every other girl in his whole life, wanted to be his friend! And she claimed that she wasn't creeped out by him, or at least she was too nice to say so. And she had called him Spence. A use of a nickname signified that she liked him and that they had a stronger relationship than that of just co workers. She really did want to be his friend. He smiled for the rest of the flight.


	2. Chapter 2

In the next several weeks that she spent at the BAU, she couldn't stop thinking about Spencer. Her mind wandered to his slim frame and shaggy hair almost constantly, wondering how it would feel pressed against her, and what was underneath the sweater vests and the cords, or how his slender fingers would feel ghosting on her bare skin and how they'd feel plunged deep within her and making her scream…

He definitely wasnt her type. Most of the men she dated were strong and athletic and more outgoing socially and with women. Spence was different. Tall, lanky, an outright genius, and very awkward. However, she seemed to have gotten underneath his shell in the short amount of time that she had known him. The way he smiled when she called him Spence, the way he laughed at her jokes and seemed pleased when she laughed at his, they seemed to have a connection right away.

But he was gorgeous. Any woman could likely see it and there was no way he would ever go for her. Sure, she was smart, but she wasn't good at chess, nor had she read Proust or anything. He would be more attracted to a smarter girl and better educated than a non ivy league school girl. Not that Georgetown wasn't a good school, but she didn't go to Caltech at 16 years-old! Compared to Reid, she was a complete idiot! He would never feel the same for her as she felt about him.

Feeling incredibly depressed at that thought, she opened the case file she was supposed to be looking at. She became so engulfed in her own thoughts that she didn't see anyone come in after giving a small knock on her open office door.

"JJ can I come in?"

She looked up and gave a little scream out of shock. Spencer's face went bright red and he looked very surprised by her reaction.

"I'll take that as a no then. Sorry, you seem like you have a lot to do so I wont bother you," he muttered, his eager expression, that he usually had when he saw her, falling. He walked back toward the door.

She jumped up, following after him. "No, Spence! I'm sorry you just scared me. What's up?" she smiled at him.

"I was just wondering why you were still here so late, that's all," he said, looking down and blushing as though he were embarrassed for being so forward.

"I was just looking over case files to choose our next case. It's just hard to decide between them." She looked down at her hands. "How do you decide which cases are more important than others. Aren't the people suffering from one case, just as important as the ones from the others? How do I know if I'm making the right decisions? If I choose one over another, then other people could die or be affected and that makes it my fault!" She felt the tears slip down her cheeks, embarrassed that he would see her with her eyes all and puffy and a runny nose and probably mascara all over her face.

"You save people's lives JJ. You are good at your job and you change peoples lives and end the suffering. You can't save everyone. I know it's hard to think about the ones you don't choose, but just remember the ones that are solved and the people that are saved because of the job that you do. I think you're great JJ." He blushed when he said this last part.

JJ looked up with him, the tears glittering in her eyes. She smiled at his worried face. "Thank you Spence. I really needed to hear that. And why are you still here? I would have thought that you'd be out with your girlfriend or something," she said bitterly.

Spencer gave a little chuckle at this. "Girlfriend? No, I dont, uh, I mean, I'm not the type girls usually like. You know, 'socially awkward genius' and all."

She felt elated when she heard this, knowing that at least he was still single. "Well, I wouldn't give up hope yet, Spence. You're sweet and I'm sure that some girl will realize that someday, if she hasn't already…"

She smiled and walked away, leaving him confused and gaping after her. "I've realized Spence," she thought, walking down the hall again.


	3. Chapter 3

He didn't know why she said yes to the date. Maybe it was out of pity, or maybe she didn't know it was a date. Maybe she just thought they were going to the game as friends or co workers. He had meant for it to be a date, but he wasn't too good at that sort of thing and maybe he didn't ask right. He thought that he had done it just like in all the books he had read. First he went to pick her up at her house with flowers. He had noticed that her favorite were the colored daisies that florists put in dye to make them all different colors, so he had a bouquet of those for her. He rang the doorbell and when she opened the door he was stunned. She was wearing a Redskins female T-shirt and jeans that really worked for her figure, her hair down and it looked as though she had curled it. In her ears she wore earrings with the logo of the team. She looked breath taking, even in her casual getup.

"JJ, uh… wow! I mean you look great. Beautiful, I should say, not great. Not that you don't look great but uh… so can a casserole. I mean you always look beautiful but uh…" he blushed and held out the flowers to her, trying to stop talking to save himself from further embarrassment.

She giggled at his nervous ramblings and took the flowers from him, grinning. "Aw, Spence these are my favorite! How did you know?"

"I guess because I'm a profiler." He grinned and was pleased that she seemed to like them.

"And thanks, you look pretty nice yourself."

He was only wearing his cords and a Redskins T-shirt that he had ordered from the internet as soon as she had said yes. He had done so much to prepare, taking three showers and spending an hour on his hair trying to look his best for her. He couldn't deny that he was excited. He hadn't ever been on many dates.

"This may not even be a date," he thought, correcting himself.

"Please come in and make yourself at home while I look for a vase for these. Really, thank you Spence. Not many guys do the whole gentleman thing like you. It's really refreshing," she said, opening the door farther to allow him in. "I'll be right back."

"Oh, thank you," he said, taking a tentative step inside her apartment, which was pretty roomy and nice, but it looked like she was either very neat, or that she didn't spend a lot of time there, which he understood. He wasn't at his apartment much either with their job.

The walls had few photographs, some of her in college and from when she was younger, and some of what must be relatives. His eyes fell on a picture that looked like it had been dusted, unlike the others, of the BAU team. They stood side by side, she was all pressed up against him in the photo. Everyone looked really happy, including Hotch and Gideon, which made Reid laugh a bit.

"I love that picture," she said softly from the doorway. He turned to look at her. "It reminds me every day when I wake up and when I come home why I do my job."

"Well, I'm glad youre happy," he replied, smiling gently at her.

"How can I not be when you're around?" she asked, making him blush. "Ready to go?"

They left the apartment building and Reid went around to open her car door for her, like a true gentleman, and did the same for her when they arrived at FedEx Field. Pushing their way through the crowds of people in the stands, they found their seats.

"Well, aren't you going to pull out my chair for me?" she laughed, gesturing to the motionless stadium seat.

Spencer only blushed again, mentally kicking himself for all the gentleman crap he'd been doing the whole day.

"No really Spence, like I said, it's really nice how much of a gentleman you are. I think it's sweet. I just love to give you a hard time," she smiled again, ruffling his hair and sending shivers down his spine at the contact.

He cleared his throat. "Um, do you want a drink or something?"

She nodded. "Sure get me a beer and some nachos." she reached down for her purse to get some money for him, but he stopped her.

"No, let me, I insist JJ. You're my date and that's usually the way it goes on a date, correct?" he asked.

"Yes, I guess so. Fine, you can pay this time, but I get to pay on the next date."

Spencer's spirits soared. She knew this was a date, and she wanted there to be a second one as well! "It's a deal," he said, grinning.

When he returned, she held out the nachos for him to share with her.

"So how much do you really know about football?" she asked, taking another chip.

"Well I did a bit of research before we came and I think I've got it down."

She laughed. "I should have known. But then why did you ask me to go to a game with you if you don't really like football?"

He blushed. "Because I know you like the Redskins and I'd do anything to spend time with you outside of work…" He looked at the ground, embarrassed that that had spilled out.

The next thing he knew, she had turned to face him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him close to her. Then her lips were on his. Spencer tensed up, unsure what to do. Her soft, warm lips pressed against his in a passionate embrace. Then, all too quickly, it was over.

After the game, they made their way back to JJ's apartment. They walked down the hall in silence then once they reached her door. They both stopped.

"Do you want to come in?" she asked, gesturing at her door.

"Um… Sure." He followed her into her apartment.

Closing the door, she turned around and pushed him against the door, putting her lips on his yet again. Pulling away, he turned her around so that she was pinned against it. Then he slowly pulled her closer and looked into her eyes, her sweet breath mingling with his own.

"Can I kiss you again?" he asked her, his eyes flitting to her plump lips.

She grinned and pressed her forehead against his, their noses touching. "Yes."

He closed the distance between their lips again, gently cupping her soft cheek in his hand, his other on her waist, pulling her closer. Their gentle kiss soon became more frantic and passionate. He needed more of her, all of her. He wanted to have her scent on him in the morning.

She tangled her fingers in his hair, moaning as his tongue ran along her lip, asking permission to enter. She opened her mouth and their tongues began a duel for control of the kiss. They had both wanted this so long and they finally had it, and once they had, they couldn't get enough of it.

Her hands ran down his chest and slipped under his T-Shirt. He broke away for a moment. "Are you sure you're not too drunk and that's impairing your decision making?" he asked, worriedly looking into her eyes for some sort of answer, some sort of explanation as to why such a beautiful, smart, _perfect_ woman would want to kiss him.

She looked into his eyes again and realized something. "Oh my Gosh, you sweet, beautiful man! You actually don't believe that I mean it, that I want you." Her eyes pricked with tears of sadness for all the pain Spencer had to have felt all his life to think that. "Oh Spence, I have wanted this since I saw you. I didn't think I was smart enough for you to want me, but that didn't stop me having a crush on you. Oh you wonderful man, I want all of you! And I have for awhile now. This isn't about alcohol, this is about how sweet and caring you are. You care for me so much even though you haven't known me very long. You treat me like I'm the only girl in the world. Of course I want you!"

He smiled. "You really mean that don't you?" he asked, tears starting to form in his soft brown eyes as everything finally fell into place for the young genius.

She nodded. "JJ I want you too. And you are the only girl in the world, to me at least. All I think about is you. I just can't believe you actually like me back. Years of bad luck , bullying and heartbreaks, and I finally get one. And I'm glad I got you."

He kissed her again. Then she stopped him and led him to her bedroom.

Spencer picked her up bridal style and threw her on the bed. Laughing, she pulled him on top of her, their lips colliding again. She reached down his chest and found the hem of his shirt, breaking the kiss momentarily to take it off.

He was a lot more toned than she had expected. Those shirts and sweater vests he wore sure covered up a lot. His chest was sprinkled with more chestnut brown hair and as she ran her fingers down his chest, hitting his nipples, they hardened and he moaned into her mouth. His hands trailed down to her own shirt and peeled it off.

He was speechless by the sight. She was beautiful. He couldn't keep his hands or his eyes off her creamy skin, his mouth hanging slightly open. She made to cover up her chest with her arms, embarrassed by his scrutiny, but he pulled them away.

"Don't. You're perfect JJ."

He fumbled with her bra as she kissed him again. He was getting frustrated at how he couldn't get it undone. She giggled into his mouth and undid her bra for him. As soon as her perky breasts were free from captivity, Reid kissed his way down her neck, sucking the skin in certain places, just like he had read, eliciting a moan from the goddess underneath him. Then he took one already sensitive nipple into her mouth, making her groan and pull his head closer to her breast. His other hand pinched and rolled the other nipple and she moaned more.

He made his way down her body, kissing her flat stomach before looking at her, his eyes requesting access to go further. She nodded and he unbuttoned her pants, pulling them down. He kissed her thighs and felt her with his long fingers through her soaked knickers, and she bit her bottom lip trying to refrain from screaming at the friction she so desperately desired. He pulled her knickers off and kissed the insides of her thighs. He moved his mouth to her center and took a swipe of his tongue up her slick entrance.

"Oh JJ you're so beautiful! And you taste so good!" he moaned, sticking his tongue inside her and fucking her with it.

She let out a small scream and fisted a hand in his hair and the other in her sheets. "Oh god Spence, keep going! Please!"

He abided by her wishes and kept working her with his tongue, his hand coming between her legs to pinch her clit.

"Spence, I'm going to come." She made to pull him up to her again, but he stopped her.

"No JJ. You deserve this. And I'm going to pleasure you way before you ever get near my dick. JJ this isn't just sex to me. I care about you and I want to show you."

He moved down her body again and thrust two fingers into her, sucking and nipping her clit. He pumped her with her long fingers in ways she never could when she did this alone. Suddenly her orgasm washed over her. And she came into his hand. He pulled his fingers out of her and slipped them into his mouth, the very act of him moaning at how she tasted turning her on again.

She flipped them over and she undid his belt quickly, pulling down his boxers and revealing his rather large cock to her. She licked it from the base to the tip, swiping a bit of precum off his tip with her tongue. His salty taste lingered in her mouth.

"I've thought about doing this to you about a million times. Every time that you spew off statistics I think about how much you'd talk while i brought you to the brink with my mouth," she whispered taking him in her mouth finally. She bobbed up and down, his hand in her hair, not pushing her, but gently stroking her hair.

"JJ I'm not going to last that long, please, if you want to, I want to be inside you." She swirled her tongue around the head one more time before coming back up to kiss him.

He flipped her over so that he was on top, and slid two fingers into her yet again. "Are you ready?" he asked, searching her expression.

She nodded and gasped as he slid into her.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" he asked, hearing her and getting worried.

She shook her head. "Just move Spence, please," she pleaded.

He started to thrust into her gently staring into her eyes. This wasn't just some quick fuck, he wanted their first time to be more than that. Of course he'd never been with a girl like this before. He'd read a bunch of books, but he never watched porn, knowing how misogynistic it was. But the sounds she was making now, sweet little mewling noises that he never wanted her to stop making, meant that he was obviously doing something right.

"Oh god JJ, you're so tight and wonderful," he said, pounding into her harder now.

"Never ever stop Spence," she said breathlessly, hitting her in places she never knew existed. Soon the only words that she could say were, "Fuck," "Spence," "God," and "Yes."

He knew his orgasm was coming, He moved his fingers down to play with her clit and she came hard saying his name, seeing stars, not knowing who or where she was, only knowing Spencer and that wonderful feeling. He followed soon after her, emptying himself in her.

He kissed her as he slid out of her and held her close, looking into her eyes as they broke the kiss.

"I have never felt more perfect before. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. And that finally, for once in my life, something was right," he said, kissing the skin of her shoulder.

Then with her head on his bare chest, her hair flowing next to her, he soon heard soft little snores. He kissed her hair and sleep followed him soon after, the most beautiful, wonderful, and perfect woman asleep in his arms. Life was perfect for Spencer Reid at that moment.


	4. Chapter 4

"_You don't have to carry a gun to kill somebody..."_ Before the incident with Phillip Dowd he had no idea what Gideon had meant by this. But now, it seemed so clear.

His day had started out with his firearms qualification, which he failed. Feeling like crap, he headed to his desk and promptly Morgan came to his desk and had to tease him, giving him a rape whistle. Reid slammed the whistle on his desk angrily, putting his head in his hands. How was he supposed to be taken seriously now?! He was already a 24 year old genius with three PH Ds that everyone made fun of! He couldn't even pass a firearms test like the rest of the team easily could. He felt worthless.

"Guys we have a new case," the blonde said, approaching the rest of the team.

They all headed toward the briefing room and when no one was looking she took his hand and gave it a small squeeze to tell him everything would be alright. He gave her a weak smile and shoved his hands in his pockets, looking away, still embarrassed about the test and not wanting to disappoint her.

After the briefing, JJ took him outside the conference room. "Is everything alright Spence?"

He clenched his fists and pressed his jaw tightly together. "I just- I feel so useless JJ! I couldn't even pass a simple firearms qualification! I'm supposed to be an FBI agent! Without a gun I look like a teacher's assistant! People already don't take me seriously!"

She frowned at him, furrowing her brow, and despite how upset he was, he could help thinking how cute it was. "You aren't useless Spence! Profilers aren't even required to carry guns. Morgan was an ass for giving you that whistle! Yeah, Elle told me. Now come on let's go. The plane is boarding soon." She smiled at him. "And don't worry, you can retake it in two weeks. I know you can do it Spence, so don't feel useless. For a teacher's assistant you're pretty great at other things…" She winked at him and he chuckled.

Adrenaline rushed through him and his heart pounded in his chest as Philip Dowd lifted his gun to take a shot at Hotch. In a split second, Reid lifted a gun and pulled the trigger. It seemed as though it was happening all at once and in slow motion at the same time. Philip fell to the ground dead, the murder weapon still in Reids paralyzed hands. Hotch helped the still shocked Reid to his feet and out of the room.

After talking with Hotch outside the ambulance, he realized what he had to do. He went to go find JJ who was talking with Morgan and Elle.

"Hey can I talk to you?" he asked nervously.

She smiled, "Of course."

He led her away from the rest of the group, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to do.

"I can't be with you right now JJ."

"What do you mean?" Her face fell and she looked confused and hurt. He hated seeing her like that. He hated this whole conversation, but he knew it had to be done.

"JJ, I killed a man today. I know that it had to be done and that he would have killed us and a lot more people if I hadn't, but it doesn't change the fact that I ended his life. And that's not something that I can just bounce back from. I just need some time JJ. I'm going to be a bit distant for awhile and it may take some time to get over this. That's just not fair for you. I'm sorry, but I just can't be with you right now." He finished, looking pained to say that to the girl who meant so much to him.

Tears started to form in her eyes and roll down her beautiful cheeks and into her lips. "Is this what you really want?" she asked, all happiness and personality drained from her voice.

"No, but it's what I have to do. I need to get through this and I don't want to make things hard for you or hurt you JJ. I can't. I would never forgive myself."

"And nothing I say about me caring about you or helping you through this or sticking by you no matter what, is going to change your mind?" she asked, wiping more tears from her face and sniffling.

"No. I'm really sorry JJ." He gave her a kiss on the head, tears rolling down his cheeks and landing in her soft blonde hair. He felt like the biggest asshole in the world for hurting her, especially after she had opened her body and her mind for him.

Sitting on the jet and staring out the window at the inky black sky, dotted with stars, he finally realized what Gideon had meant. You don't need a gun to kill someone. You need to be able to empathize, to feel. And there was nothing that killed him more than losing her. The woman who, even in a short amount of time, meant everything to him, who wanted and accepted all of him, and he pushed her away. No, you don't need a gun to kill someone, because physical wounds are nothing. You get hurt and then the pain goes away eventually. But emotional pain stays with you, it never leaves and it hurts far worse. It leaves a deeper wound that only you can see. And Spencer Reid died that day, when he lost her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I know how anxious you all are for those two to finally fix things between them. I've been trying to upload a new chapter everyday so please be patient. I hope you still enjoy this chapter even though it's pretty short. Please review! Thanks! :) -Stormy**

It had been several weeks since the break up, but even though they hadn't been together long, JJ missed him more than she had any other boyfriend. Reid had been so perfect. He cared about her, not just for her body, as most guys did, but her soul too. There was a spark between them that wasn't going to go away.

She still caught him sometimes, looking at her. Sometimes it was sadness reflected in them, but sometimes there was a glimmer of desire that burned there, always while he thought she wasn't looking. That look sent a shiver through her whole body and made the blood rush through her veins, a fire burning low in her belly. If he was going to keep shooting glances like that at her always in the most inappropriate times, she wasn't going to be able to focus on her work.

However, right now her favorite genius was in Los Angeles with Gideon and she was on the other side of the country. That is, until the L.A.P.D. had called the rest of the team in to catch a serial killer who was killing for some actress.

Reid and this girl, Lila, had a certain attraction, JJ couldn't deny that. It bothered her to know that Spencer was staying with a beautiful woman who seemed to be infatuated with him, especially overnight. Reid was her's and if some bitch wanted him, then she'd have to go through JJ to get him!

"But then, he's not mine anymore," she thought miserably. It was true. Spencer had broken up with her and she had no claim to him. If this woman made Spence happy then that's what she wanted, even if it killed her inside. Though she had thought that once Spencer got over everything he was going through after killing that man, the reason he had broken up with her in the first place, that he would get back together with her, not run around with some skank.

"Though she might be a very nice skank..." she reasoned.

It had been the pictures that had hurt her the most. She saw all of them when they were stored as evidence. Reid, the man she had feelings for and who, a few weeks ago, had feelings for her, was dripping wet and eating this almost-naked girls face! What the hell had he been thinking?!

Her heart broke in two as she flipped through all the copies of the pictures while she sat in her hotel room. She wasn't able to tell where he stopped and she began! He was pressed against her in his wet clothes, while Lila was hardly wearing any. She could probably feel his hard on… And that led her to another horrifying thought, "What if they had sex?!"

"What does she have that I don't?" she asked herself. Depressed, she added, "Well, she's better looking, she's a famous actress, she doesn't have to work with dead people and psychopaths all the time… Oh, and there was the fact that Spencer thought it was too much to be with me, but is obviously alright to fool around with her because I'm not good enough! So she has an advantage there!"

At this, JJ curled up and let the tears overtake her.


	6. Chapter 6

He heard her scream, he started to head back to the barn. He had to get back to JJ. He had to help her. All of a sudden, gunshots pierced the air.

"JJ!" he yelled, breaking into a run. He felt a sharp pain in the back of his head and fell to the ground. Someone reached over him and picked his gun up off the ground. Reid, defenseless could only roll over to look at his attacker. He had to stay alive to help JJ. He had to escape, to get to her.

"I couldn't stop them by myself. I had to warn everyone!" he said, as Reid tried desperately to calm him down.

"I said, shoot him!" a different man yelled.

Confused, Reid realized that the voices had all come from one man, not multiple unsubs. But could there possibly be a real case of dissociative identity disorder?

He was pulled out of his thoughts as the "unsubs" argued between themselves. Tobias kept the gun pointed at Reid's head, starting to cry. But Reid was never once worried for his own life...

* * *

"Where's Reid?" Morgan and Prentiss asked her as she told them what happened.

"We split up and he went around back. You haven't found him yet?!" she asked, panicking.

"Not yet."

Her heart stopped. She couldn't breathe. Where was Reid?! Was he still alive?! She didn't know what to do, all she knew was that she had to find him.

* * *

Reid opened his eyes, groggy. the ground beneath him was shaking and it smelled like exhaust. He was on the floor of a car- a pickup truck, judging by the rumbling sound of the engine ringing in his ears. That was all he noticed before he slipped back into unconsciousness…

* * *

Morgan approached JJ at the ambulance where the EMTs were tending to her wounds. "It looks like someone was dragged away out of the cornfield. Both Reid and Henkel's pickup are gone. Uniforms are putting out an APB."

"He could be long gone by now!" JJ said angrily, more tears burning her eyes.

"Detective Farraday just got a call that someone matching Henkel's description just asked directions to a motor lodge in Fort Bend. The local PD has roadblocks out. He can't get far, JJ."

She didn't seem too comforted by this. He sat down and put his arm around her. "We _will _find him JJ. I promise you that."

She shrugged out of his arm and stood up. "Don't even start with me. You and I have both worked enough abduction cases to know that's bullshit! We don't always get them back, in fact, most of the time we don't. You know that you can't promise that. But I can. You know why? Because I will not rest, I will not take a break, I pound on every single fucking door in this whole damn state until he is in my arms again!"

"And you think we won't do the same?!" Morgan yelled, standing up, his eyes burning with intensity. "Don't you dare act like you're the only one here who cares about him, JJ! I'm not making any kind of bullshit promise. Reid isn't just another victim, he is an FBI agent, and we are going to find the son of a bitch who took him, and we are going to get Reid back so that we can help all those other people- the ones who might not come back!"

She fell to her knees and sat back on her heels. "And what if we don't, Morgan?" She asked quietly, tears spilling down her face for what seemed like the thousandth time that day.

He came to sit next to her. His eyes softened as he looked at the distraught woman on the ground. "You said it yourself, you aren't going to give up until he's safe again. And neither will the rest of us. I'm worried too, but we can't lose our heads. We need to stay sharp so that we can find the one thing that will help us nail this guy. And I have faith that we will find him and Reid, alive."

"You're right," she said sniffing, wiping off her nose with the back of her hand, and not caring if she looked gross in the process. "I can't lose it. I'm not going to rest until he's safe again. I will do whatever it takes to find Reid. And I had damn well better find him alive, because if any harm comes to him, then there is no place Henkel can hide. And even if Henkel himself dies, if Reid is harmed in any way, I will bring that mother fucker back from the grave and disembowel him!"

* * *

Reid regained consciousness tied to a chair with Henkel looming over him. At first, a hanging lightbulb was the only thing that came into focus.

"They're gone," Henkel said.

Reid winced as he tried to move his head. "Who are they?"

"It's just me now," Henkel continued, as if he hadn't heard him.

"Who- who are you?" he asked, closing his eyes for a second to try to stop the dizzy feeling in his head.

"I'm Raphael," Henkel replied, straightening up.

He tried to look around at his surroundings to try and see where he was, but his head hurt too much. Henkel must have hit him hard. All he could focus on was the sizzling of something and a strange smell, like rotting fish.

"What's that smell?"

"The burning fish hearts and livers. Keeps away the devil. They believe you can see inside men's minds," Raphael said.

"That's not true. I study human behavior."

Raphael shushed him and unloaded a handgun. "I'm not interested in the arguments of men." He showed Reid a single bullet. "Do you know what this is? It's God's will." Henkel loaded the single bullet into the gun, spinning the cylinder and pointing it at Spencer's head.

"You don't have to do this," Reid said, scared. He still didn't know if JJ was ok. He couldn't die without knowing if she was ok and that the team had found her and that she was safe. He cared about her more than anything.

"I'm just an instrument of God," he responded without emotion.

Reid swallowed, worried that he wouldn't ever see her again, that she'd never know that he loved her.

Then Henkel pulled the trigger.

* * *

JJ watched Spencer on the video feed, mortified. He had been severely beaten and blood ran down the side of his head and soaked his usually beautiful hair. She watched Henkel grab Spencer and yell at him about being a liar, trying to get him to choose someone to die. Spencer refused at first, but finally, defeated, he chose the girl on the far right screen. Then the screen went black and Spencer was gone again.

* * *

Spencer watched the screen showing a nice couple. They had no idea what Henkel was about to do to them, what _he_ had done to them. He chose people to be slaughtered. They were dying because he was a wimp and didn't want the beatings to go on. He wanted to go back and sleep in his own bed. And he wanted to see the woman he loved again. That couple on the screen could have been him and JJ, if they were still together. But, like Pontius Pilate, he signed their death warrant. They wouldn't get to sleep in their own beds again, all because of him.

He felt the tears slip down his face as Raphael butchered them, wondering if he'd ever get out of there alive.

* * *

"We're going to handle it," Morgan said, getting himself some coffee.

"It's funny," she said, looking down at her own cup. "The one thing we need to crack this case is, uh.. well, Reid." she said with a nervous laugh.

"Yeah," he said, as he turned and started walking away from her.

"You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?" she asked quickly, stopping him.

He turned to face her again. "JJ, go get some rest."

"I can tell that's what you're thinking," she said calmly.

"I just want to get Reid home safe."

He turned to walk away again but she stopped him yet again. "But if I had his back like I was supposed to, he'd be here now."

"JJ, what do you want from me?" he asked coldly.

"I just- I want _someone_ to tell me the truth!" she cried.

"The truth is, one of you's here and one of you isn't. You gotta figure the rest out for yourself."

He walked away and she looked down at her cup again, wondering, _knowing_ that all of this was her fault. If he didn't come back alive, she was the one to blame. And if he did come back, she wouldn't blame him if he hated her forever.

* * *

One of the personalities entered the room. Whoever it was, pulled Reid's sleeve up and knelt down beside him.

"Tobias?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah, sorry, I had to leave for awhile," he said, opening a small bag.

"You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"

"My father would be angry." Tobias filled the syringe.

Reid shook his head at him, his eyes pleading with the man. "Not if he can't find us."

"He always finds me."

"If you tell me where we are, my friends will come and they'll save us."

Tobias flicked the excess off the syringe. "We can't be saved."

"We can! We can! I promise, you tell me where we are, I'll save us both!" he pleaded, trying to do anything to convince the man.

"You listen to me," he said, looking Reid in the eye."It's not worth fighting."

Reid gave a small whimper. "Tell me it doesn't make it better," Tobias said, lowering the syringe.

He put the needle into Reid's vein and Reid shuddered at the feeling, remembering another piece of his childhood as the drugs started to pump through his body.

* * *

"This ends now. Confess your sins!" Charles Henkel shouted. He hit him hard. The pain shot across his face and Reid whimpered again. "Confess!" he shouted again.

"I haven't done anything!" Reid sobbed.

Henkel punched him again, his eyes wild with rage. "Tobias help me!" he squeaked, the pain almost blinding.

"He can't help you, he's weak. Confess!" He shouted again.

Reid didn't know what to say. No matter what he wouldn't believe him. The beatings would never end until he finally beat him to death. He slapped him again, his knuckles bruising his cheekbone.

"Confess your sins." he whispered in his ear, pulling Reid's hair and getting right next to his face.

"No," Spencer said quietly.

* * *

He threw Spencer's chair on the ground and she saw Spencer convulsing, saliva dribbling down his chin and gasping for air. She sat there horrified, wanting to help him, to hold him and tell him everything would be all right because she was there now and she'd never let anyone hurt him again. But then, she had let someone hurt him. She let them split up, and because she didn't have his back like she should have, he was there being tortured. And she was the one who deserved it. The tears ran down her face as he shook.

"Oh my God he's killing him!" Garcia cried.

"That's the devil leaving your body," Henkel said, looking down on Spencer with contempt and satisfaction as he stopped moving.

* * *

He remembered back to when he sent his mother to the hospital. How guilty he felt, and yet he had done it again. The best things in his life, the people he cared most about he always sent them away. And because of that, he may die now without telling JJ how he really felt.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to himself. "I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for, boy?"

"I sent her away."

"Who?"

"My mom." he swallowed. "I couldn't- I couldn't help her."

"Is that a confession?"

Spencer nodded, high out of his mind. "I confess."

* * *

A shot rang out and Tobias fell. Spencer crawled over to him as fast as he could.

"You killed him!" He sounded pleased, like Spencer was his savior.

"Tobias?"

"Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?" he asked hopefully.

Spencer looked down at him, grim. "I'm sorry."

As the team approached, the life drained out of Henkel's eyes. He got to his feet, not sure what to feel, but overwhelmed by emotions.

"I knew you'd understand," he said, hugging Hotch.

Letting go, his eyes fell on JJ. She looked so relieved. He hugged her as tightly as he could in his weak condition.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay. It's not your fault." he said softly.

He held her close, smelling the sweet shampoo and her gardenia perfume, feeling her silky hair on his cheek. He felt her warm body against his and heard her every breath as she clung to him, happy to have him back at last. These were the things he had taken for granted, but now that he almost lost all that, he couldn't let her go.


	7. Chapter 7

"Reid go get some sleep. JJ, go with him, he shouldn't be alone right now," Hotch said.

They had just finished the official report, and the doctors had said that, luckily, he hadn't been too seriously hurt, so he could go home if he wanted. It was two in the morning and he hadn't slept in days. Right now he wanted to curl up with JJ's warm body pressed against his.

She drove him home, following him upstairs to his apartment. He opened the door and stood back to allow her to enter. Once they were inside, he fumbled around on the wall for the light switch and turned it on, revealing a fairly open living room with a fairly nice television. Shelves full of books lined the walls. He had a nice balcony that looked out on the busy street below and showed off the DC skyline.

"Do you need something to eat before you go to sleep?" she asked, concerned.

"No, I had something at the hospital. Are you hungry?" he asked, stifling a yawn.

She smiled. Of course he would be worried about her after he got rescued. "No, I ate."

"Then if it's all the same to you, I'd like to get to bed now," he said.

She moved over to his couch. "Alright, I'll just sleep here and if you need me, just call."

He frowned. "You aren't going to come with me?"

She was taken aback at this. They weren't together anymore. "You mean you want me to?" she asked.

He walked up to her, cupped her cheek in his hand, and pressed his lips to hers. "I need you to make me feel better. I thought I lost you, JJ. I can't go through that again."

"Ok."

She kissed him back, more urgently this time, pressing her body to his. They fell back on the couch. She straddled him, feeling his erection growing between her soaked thighs. She rolled her hips and felt him where she wanted him most, giving a moan. This turned him on even more.

"Bedroom," he growled, taking her in his arms. He stood and carried her into his bedroom and placed her on navy blue silk sheets. He unbuttoned her shirt, hungrily nipping at each inch of flesh exposed as he undid one button at a time. She moaned and bucked her hips as he took one of her nipples in his mouth, rolling and pinching the other between two fingers.

She rolled them over so that she was on top. She took off his shirt and started to unbutton his pants and tug them off, freeing his hard length. She had missed him of course, but every single time she touched herself since they had broken up, it had been his glorious cock that she thought about. She bent down to take him in her mouth, but he stopped her, unbuttoning her own pants and taking them off, tugging her knickers off at the same time and running his hands down her butt and thighs.

"Not this time, JJ. This time I just need to be in you."

He lined up at her entrance and rubbed himself along her slit, making them both give a sharp intake of breath, and, finding her wet enough, he entered her in one fluid motion. They rested their foreheads together and he gave her a quick kiss on the lips before starting to move.

It started off slow at first, gentle strokes as they kissed each other, their tongues sliding against one another. JJ rode him harder, throwing back her head as he hit her clit just right, and she could tell by the look he gave her when she did just that, that he thought it was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

This just felt so right, him and her together. They were getting as close as two people could possibly get, knowing each other completely. His manhood hit her in places she never imagined were there. No other guy could possibly make her feel that way. It was as if the emotional connection she had was making the experience that much more sexy. She had never come so close to orgasm this quickly with any of the other men she had been with.

Panting hard, she said, "Fuck Spence! I'm going to cum."

Picking up the pace, he pinched her clit between his two fingers, pressing and rubbing the little bundle of nerves, making her scream. She came around him hard, saying his name, and he followed soon after. She fell on top of him, using his lightly toned pecs as pillows, running her hands along the light smattering of chestnut hair there.

"I thought I was going to lose you Spence," she whispered, tears slipping down her beautiful face.

He held her harder, burying his nose in her golden locks. He never thought he would smell that scent that was just uniquely _her _again. "I wasn't going anywhere, trust me. I held on because I knew I needed to get out of there to see you one last time. I was worried about you more than anything. And I could die before telling you how I really felt about you. In the two years that I've known you, you have really become my whole world. I'd do anything for you. JJ, I'm in love with you."

She turned to face him, playing with a small piece of his chestnut hair. Smiling she kissed him softly on the lips. "Oh Spence, I don't have to be a genius to figure that out. I'm in love with you too."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Yes, I know, another short chapter. I apologize for doing this to you all again. I will try to upload another as soon as I can. Keep reading and reviewing! It really makes my day to hear what you think because I don't have friends :) Just kidding**

He wanted it. He ached for it. He couldn't focus on anything except Dilaudid. Even JJ couldn't help him with this. He couldn't handle getting clean now, the memories were too fresh in his mind, and getting high helped him forget, to slip into the abyss of his mind.

When he closed his eyes, all he could see was that couple who was slaughtered because of him. He chose them to die.

"But I had to or Raphael would kill someone anyway! Or he could have killed me, and I could've been JJ's only chance! I had to get out to make sure she was ok..." he tried to rationalize, needing to ease his conscience.

But he couldn't stop feeling the flood of guilt, or drown out the screams he heard, or not see their terrified faces and their blood splattering everywhere everytime he closed his eyes. He felt like a hit man, a murderer. Even if he didn't directly murder those people, he chose them out of the others. They could have been alive right now, but he was too much of a coward to stand up to Henkel.

He excused himself to the bathroom. Once inside, he opened his bag and took out the little bottles of liquid and a syringe. Quickly, he stuck the needle into the little bottle and filled up the syringe. He knew it was stupid to do at work, but he didn't really care. He needed to escape, to forget, for just awhile. Bringing it to his arm he inserted the needle into his vein and emptied every last drop into his body.

He felt the effects almost immediately as the drug pumped through his bloodstream and felt those people, all the pain and trauma he had suffered, just slip away. It was going, going… gone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Sorry I haven't uploaded in awhile. I've had school, work, and my personal favorite: boy problems. Anyway, please review! I hope I can update soon!**

"Something is going on with Spence," she thought, sitting on the jet with the other team members on their way to New Orleans.

Lately, he looked like he hadn't been sleeping well. He had bags under his beautiful brown eyes and he looked thinner than usual, as though he hadn't been eating either. And that was nothing to his behavior. He had been a complete asshole lately, even to her. He snapped at her over simple things and became irritable easily. They fought constantly, and it usually ended with him storming out and going to his own apartment, and her crying on the bed.

That's when she met him. Detective LaMontagne's sexy drawl and his slight asshole personality drew her to him. And to be honest, she was so tired of Spencer's recent behavior, that she just wanted to mess with him a bit to show him that she wasn't bothered by him. She knew that it was a mean thing to do, but she couldn't stand to cry herself to sleep again. She didn't know what the hell was going on with Spence lately, but he was not the man she had fallen in love with, so why not have some fun with this southern flirt while he fixed whatever was going on? They weren't really in much of a relationship at the moment.

Sitting in a bar with Will beside her, he slowly sipped a beer. "Do you always drink while you're still on the clock?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

"This is N'awlins, honey. It's a cultural thing." Then he added, "Where are you from?"

"Pennsylvania."

"I take it the folks are a little rigid about the rules up that way. Well, if it makes you feel better, we'll play it Pennsylvania style tonight." he said in his sexy drawl, setting down his drink. "I just hate that this guy has a leg up on us, you know?"

"I promise, as soon as my team knows anything, we'll hear. Ok?" she asked.

"So why aren't you married?" he said suddenly.

"Um, that involves this case how?" she asked, blushing slightly.

"It doesn't. I'm just flirtin'. It's unprofessional. You don't have to answer that."

They were interrupted by the waitress approaching their table. "Excuse me. Compliments of the woman in the blue top," she said, setting the drink down in front of Will.

JJ raised her eyebrows. "Wow. That was… bold," she said, incredulous.

"Well, she might have thought we were just working," he said, matter-of-factly.

"We are," she said, annoyed at him.

He sniggered. "Are you jealous?"

"No I just.. I… I was surprised that's all."

"And you're a lousy liar too. Guess you haven't had much practice, huh?" He asked, his eyes twinkling in a smile.

"It's a culture thing," she answered, smacking him lightly as he they both laughed.

When it was all over, she went to stand by Will. The flashing light beside them reflecting off his skin made her think back to the day that Spencer broke up with her after killing Philip Dowd. She scowled and clenched her fists as she thought about this.

"Hey," she said, approaching him.

"Hey there." His face looked sad and distant.

"The medic says that her victim's gonna be ok."

He nodded, not looking at her. "I heard what you did in there. Your dad would be really proud."

He gave a weak smile. "It's weird. I spent all this time focusin' on closin' this case for him, and now it's over."

"Yeah." She nodded.

"I thought I'd feel happy, but I just feel lost."

She shrugged, glancing at his scruffy face. "Because you've gotta move on."

"And now you're leaving?" he asked, finally meeting her eyes. "How will I survive a woman like you going so far away?"

She smiled and blushed, looking away again. Flashing her sparkling eyes and a flirty smile at him, she said, "Well, despite what you may have heard, cell phones can be very good for your health." She handed him her card. "See ya."

As she walked away from him, she felt Spencer's eyes on her, a silent apology on his face. She held her head high and kept walking, knowing how much this was hurting him.


	10. Chapter 10

The ladies were enjoying a night out at the local bar. JJ was wearing a low cut brown sweater that showed off a bit of cleavage, but not too much. She sat with Garcia at a little table while Emily went to get their drinks. A man in a suit was chatting the brunette up.

"It's only been five minutes!" Garcia whined.

She had been dating Will for a few weeks now, going to visit him on weekends in New Orleans. She still missed Spencer, but she didn't have any serious feelings for this guy. There was still something going on with Spencer, and until he figured out whatever it was, if he ever did, she didn't want to get hurt anymore. But right now, Will was being an ass. _Again_. He was like this occasionally (well a lot really), where he wouldn't talk to her for long periods of time and she didn't really trust him at all. So now she was out with the girls, and she had decided to let the night take its course.

Emily came back to the table with their drinks, the suited man following her.

She smirked. "Guys, this is Brad. An _actual_ FBI agent!"

"Really?" Garcia asked, playing along.

"Really!" Emily replied.

"No way!" JJ said, trying not to laugh.

"That's exciting. What's it like at Quantico?" Garcia asked, mispronouncing the word Quantico, making her almost spit out her drink from laughter.

"It's, eh, quite impressive." Brad said, looking proud.

"What department are you in?" JJ asked.

"That's classified."

JJ pretended to look disappointed. She winked at Garcia and Emily.

"It must be really tough trying to keep all those secrets."

"It's a skill like anything else. Carpenters are good at building stuff, measuring. FBI is good at keeping secrets and kicking criminal ass!"

"Well, somebody has to do it! Oh, do you have to carry your gun and badge with you everywhere you go?" Emily asked him.

"Affirmative," Brad said confidently.

"Can we see it?!" Emily asked eagerly.

"See what?" he asked, looking nervous.

"Your badge."

"Please?" Garcia begged.

"I'm sorry. That's…"

"Classified. Of course." they all answered together, smiling.

"Tell me Brad, does it look anything like this?" Emily asked, pulling out her own badge.

"Or, uh this?" JJ and Garcia got their badges out as well.

"Or maybe this?"

They all laughed as Brad, embarrassed, walked away, a little less pep in his step.

JJ's phone rang. When she hung up she said, "We have a case."

* * *

They entered the bullpen, still laughing.

"What's so funny?" Morgan asked.

"Tonight at the bar we met 'Brad the real FBI agent,'" Emily said, giggling again.

Spencer scowled.

"Well you do have to admit that he was pretty cute," JJ said, smiling.

Spencer's eyes got dark and he clenched his fists. "JJ can I talk to you for a second?" he asked. There was obviously something upsetting him, judging by the tone of his voice.

She followed him out of the room and into a hallway. He seemed to be looking for something. "Where are we going, Spence?" she whined.

He pulled her into the nearest supply closet and pushed her up against the door, his lips colliding with hers. He wasn't gentle like he usually was, but hard and demanding. The sweet taste of his tongue swirled in her mouth. She had never been kissed like this before. She wanted to stop him, to tell him she was in a relationship, but she couldn't. He was everything to her. And that kiss was too damn good.

She moaned into his mouth and that seemed to spur him on. He rocked his hips into hers and she felt him hard against her now soaked knickers.

Needing air, she broke the kiss. "Spence, what are you doing? We're at work!" she panted.

"You're mine," he growled, kissing her again.

She moaned into his mouth again as he took her lower lip between his teeth. She had never seen him like this. The look in his eyes so dark and he was being possessive. Usually, Spencer was very timid, and she had never seen him get so controlling. If it were anyone else she would have slapped them and walked away, but this was Spence. And it was so unlike his usual demeanor, that it was actually pretty sexy.

He pushed her sweater and bra down to pull a nipple into his mouth, making her almost scream at the sensation. He unbuttoned her pants quickly and tugged them down, pulling away for a moment so she could kick them off her ankles. He kissed her again, the wood of the door cold on her ass. He snaked his hand between them and found her slit, pushing two fingers inside her. She moaned his name as he found her clit and pressed with his thumb.

"Exactly," he whispered. "No other man, just me."

"Yes," she sighed.

He pulled his fingers out of her and unbuttoned his cords, revealing his hard length. She raised her leg and he pushed into her all at once, making them both moan. He always felt so good inside her. He started to pump and she wrapped both of her legs around his waist as he furiously pounded into her against the door. Their mouths met again, their hot breath mingling together as they breathed heavily.

His fingers found her clit again and he whispered, "Only me. Only I get to do this to you. No one else, JJ. Only I can make you come."

"Yes," she panted.

"Say it," he growled, pumping faster. She could feel the coil in her stomach and knew she wouldn't last long.

"Only you!" she exclaimed as her orgasm hit her. He followed right after, spilling into her, whispering her name. He kissed her again as he slipped out of her and brought her legs, which felt like jelly at that point, back down to the ground.

"Good thing I brought my purse, she said, handing him some napkins she had stashed away for emergencies. They cleaned themselves off and got dressed.

"Remember what you said today when you're talking to that southern asshole. Only I can do that," Reid whispered in her ear. Then he left.

JJ's knees collapsed as she slid down the door to the ground.

"What have I done?" she whispered aloud, mortified.


End file.
